Fear...I know that any fear I have is a result of not trusting God. That's ironic. The reason I have so many kids is because I made a decision to trust God with my family planning. I went farther with it than even my very Catholic mother thought I should. She tried to push me into NFP - not rhythm, but the temp-mucus checking - to control my reproduction. My thought was that if I truely trusted God, then I should trust Him completely. NFP seemed like a cop-out. I trusted God regardless of my physical, emotional or financial situation. And it al worked out the right way.
So why is it so hard to trust now? What is my fear?
I suppose I'm afraid of being found out. I don't want anyone to know how really screwed up I am. So often, I feel like a fake. I'd hate for people to know how fat I am when I take off my clothes or how ugly I am when I wash off my makeup or the bad thoughts that sometimes go through my mind or the temptations that I must fight constantly. I'm afraid that someone could get close enough to really know me and then they won't like me.
And that is an admission that I've never made before.